Train to nowhere

August 8th: Leicester City v Swansea City (Championship)

You know scumbags are about when you see police escorting a horde of 'fans' to the stadium. If you ask any legitimate Swansea fan, you'll find out that there's a large number of lowlifes who attach themselves to the team in order to follow them around and cause trouble in as many places as possible.

[I distinguish between legitimate fans and these other cunts because it's necessary. Swansea, like any other club, do have legitimate fans. But they do have a large percentage of the sort of twat who just goes wherever the team happens to be as an excuse to act like the twats that everyone else knows they are. It's not just Swansea who have this problem, there are several clubs who still get this sort of bullshit. I've said something similar before, but it still needs saying: You are not Swansea fans. You are cunts. Fuck off away from our game.]

I send a text to Paul, who's giving some dogs a lift or something*, and find that he's having a little trouble with the traffic situation, caused mostly by the roadworks going on on Saffron Lane, which is a lot of people's route to the stadium.

[*No idea.]

[Yes, two sets of parentheses in a row, aren't you lucky children today. The outbound half of Saffron Lane has been closed since early July for some sort of 'improvement' - and let's take that word with a hefty handful of salt. This has caused, among other things, several bus routes to take a detour of approximately fourteen miles. Why the roadworks? What 'improvements' are actually being made? And why now, clashing perfectly with the start of the football season, when the council presumably know people will need to use this road? Amazingly, the works were suspended for - get this - the Special Olympics GB. Now, I'm all in favour of the Special Olympics movement, it's a great idea, but how many people do you think really watched it? Was it close to the 26,000-plus that LCFC have been expecting for today's game? No, probably not.]

There's a buzz around the stadium. There are certainly more people here than usual. They'll probably disappear as the season goes on. I get into the ground and look out at the pitch, and at the stands. People everywhere. In the run-up to kick-off there's the usual shite, plus Birch encouraging the Kop to hold up a large flag showing their support for the England 2018 World Cup bid.

[Originally, when the FA's bid for the World Cup was announced, I was firmly in the "couldn't give a flying pissdrop" camp. But now, having thought about it, I have reasons for supporting the bid:
1. The possibility of World Cup games within walking distance of where I live.
2. Lots and lots of foreigners in partying mood.
3. It's something Scotland and Wales have never been able to do, nor will they ever.
4. It's the World Cup for fuck's sake! How many reasons do you need?
Even as someone who finds international football tedious (and quite honestly couldn't give two fucks about the fortunes of the England team) I love the World Cup. It'd be great to have a game like Brazil v Germany here, but as long as Sweden qualify I'll be happy. And Iran. And Argentina. And Brazil. Definitely Brazil. And Ghana. And Portugal. And Trinidad and Tobago. But not Wales.]

Before the game, there's another minute's applause for Sir Bobby. Two games in a row, not many people would get that. Seventeen minutes into the game, Swansea get a corner, and Ashley Williams smashes it into the net to put the foreigners in front. Swansea control most of the first half, with Nathan Dyer looking especially annoying. The teams go off at half-time, and on comes the Birch to watch some more kids run around the pitch for no reason. On too goes my iPod in order to drown out the scores in anticipation of the present the BBC has given us for the new season - the Football League Show.

The players come out for the second half, although two blue shirts have changed. Andy King and Matty Fryatt have been removed and replaced by new boys Dany N'Guessan (pronounced by the announcer as 'Ungooson') and Martyn Waghorn, who we've borrowed from Sunderland. A few minutes into the second half, Bruno Berner is tripped by Williams in the Swansea box, and Steve Howard steps up to hit the penalty tamely at Dorus de Vries' hands. Still 1-0.

On 69, a shot from a very lively Waghorn deflects into the bottom corner: 1-1. Three minutes later, City get a corner. From a resulting knockdown, N'Guessan fires his new side into the lead to complete an extraordinarily quick turnaround. After a tense finish, the City fans can celebrate three points to start the season off nicely. The iPod goes back on just in time, although I do hear a massive reaction to one scoreline. That's going to torture me, I know it is.

I eventually get home around the 6pm mark, but soon discover I have nothing to kill the next five and three quarter hours with. I flick the tv for a while, watch West Brom v Newcastle and then manage to take in a couple of good repeats of shows I missed the first time.

But after exhausting all seven channels that are ever worth watching, I find it's still only 8pm. I can't go on the internet because I'm almost certain to find out a load of scores by accident. I flick FIFA09 on, then quickly off again because it's not very entertaining. For the next three and a half hours, I alternate between twiddling my thumbs, napping and watching old episodes of Red Dwarf on Dave. Time feels like it's standing still, this is unbearable.

At 11pm, more or less exactly, my mobile starts buzzing: 1 message received. Do I check it and risk finding out a result I don't want to know? Or can I afford not to answer it? Well, curiosity gets the better of me almost instantly, and I open it. In one of those surreal, not-quite-sure-it's-real moments, I read the message, from someone who shall remain nameless, which reads as follows:

"Shit, fell asleep on the train, I'm in Wakefield!"

I should feel guilty about my reaction (laughing uncontrollably for about a minute), but, alas, I don't. Haha, Wakefield.

[Fortunately the person in question soon contacts someone who lives in Leeds and scores himself a bed for the night. But still: twat.]

Finally, 11.45 is here, and... Ian Holloway is on my screen. The lunatic. Within a few seconds, he's told us his team's result. Thanks Ian.

The new show has got a decent format but, sadly, is nothing like Match of the Day. Eventually we reach the game which got the big reaction earlier: Norwich v Colchester. The first clip shows Kevin Lisbie taking advantage of a disastrous ball from John Otsemobor to tap the ball in. 1-0 Colchester. Within a few moments I've seen a further four Colchester goals, all at the same end. Then Norwich get one back, before the Us bag another two. Final score, Norwich 1 Colchester 7. This, whichever way you look at it, is an astounding result. And that's without Stephen Hughes playing.

Thoroughly satisfied with just about everything I've seen today, I'm ready to retire. But not in Leeds.

Final score: Leicester 2 Swansea 1

[As I post, a petition concerning Wrexham Football Club has come to my attention. For details read this thread and to sign click here and follow the simple instructions. This is important enough to be mentioned here so have a look. Ta.]